DON'T QUOTE THE RAVEN: I'm Raising My Kids To Not Be Complete Imbeciles

I'm Raising My Kids To Not Be Complete Imbeciles

10.08.2014

I got a few well intentioned emails over the the weekend. Two, to be exact, but that's enough to warrant an entire blog post dedicated to an answer, especially when the question is so stupid it makes my brain hurt.

Someone named Molly wrote the following:

Ummmmm, why do you not make your kids wear life jackets when they are on the boat or in the water? Are you stupid? Do you want them to drown? 'Cause it seems to me like you want them to drown, since you are so careless with their safety. Idiot.

(This email just about sums up the other one, so I won't grace you with even more intelligent rhetoric.)

Oh Molly. You charming, sweet-natured silly Molly.

Let me start by saying that no, I do not wish for my children to drown. Do I wish for them to suddenly become mute between the hours of 4 and 7 pm? Yes I do. Do I wish for them to grow up and become millionaires by either a) playing baseball or b) building rocketships so they can then buy me my own private jet? Of course. Do I wish they learn to wipe their own butts eventually? Absolutely.

But do I wish for them to drown?

Nah.

I'd miss the hugs and kisses at night. And besides, they're totally tax write-offs.

But to answer your ever so pressing question Molly, in the state in which we reside, life jackets aren't required for kids if they are cruising in a boat over 20 feet long. Do we have to have them readily available on the watercraft should a tsunami arrive? Yes. But is it against the law for kids of any age to be sans life jacket on a boat like ours? Unfortunately for you Molly, no, it is not. Womp womp.

Do I require them to wear one if they are to say, swim in the river where their little toesies can't touch? You bet your last shot of vodka I do. Which is probably why you haven't seen one single photo of them swimming in the river without sporting a life jacket.

In other words Molly, mind your own damn business.

But thanks for your email. It really got me thinking. Thinking about how best I can raise my kids so they don't turn into idiots like yourself.

- I will teach my kids to take responsibility. If they spill hot coffee on themselves, they will try harder next time to not be such a klutz. They won't sue McDonalds.

- I will teach them to respect authority. If someone in charge gives them a command, they will obey no matter what. If they want to change the rules, they can put in the effort and use their brain and get themselves to a place where they really can change the rules. In other words, don't bitch unless you're willing to do something about it.

- I will teach them to buck up. If they want to play with the big boys and they get hurt in the process...too bad so sad little one. Name of the game.

- I will teach them how to properly use playground equipment. And when or if they fall off and break a bone, I will drive them to the nearest emergency room and not to the nearest lawyers office. I've said it once and I'll say it a million times...we ain't raising no pussies around here.

- I will imbed in my kids the importance of common sense. Like, don't eat crayons and never tattoo the name of some random broad on your body.

I could go on, Molly, but I have some important matters to tend to.

Such as living my own life and concerning myself with my own problems and not writing ridiculous emails to people who couldn't give a shit less what I have to say.

Bye sugartwits!